My Switch
It was the last hot, endless summer day before I started up school again. One year older. One year smarter. I was so excited. I hadn't seen most of my friends for what seemed like forever. I couldn't wait!
When we went to orientation at my school, Warren Walker, the one I had been going to since kindergarten, the one that hold so many happy memories, I figured out that my teacher was Ms. Huff. She was the teacher I wanted, so I was so excited. My parents got to meet her and thought she was really nice. I couldn't wait to start school!
When we were just about to leave, my mom's phone rang. "Yes. Yes of course. We'll be right there," is all that I could hear. She was smiling. Her grin could have fallen off of her face it was so big. "What's up mom?" I said so anxious to know what she was so excited about. "You got into Explorer and we are going there right know!" "WHAT?!!?"
I was shocked. I didn't want to change schools. I wanted to stay at Warren Walker with my best friend Olivia. "A boy didn't show up, and you got in," she said, shocked that I didn't want to change. "Explorer will be a better school for you. More project based."
When we got to Explorer, I got to meet the principal, Jill Green. She was a short lady with curly brown hair. She looked really nice. She had a golden, curly haired dog whose name was Gus. She said that she brought him to school with her everyday.
"Hi. Welcome to Explorer. My name is Ms. Jill Green." She started talking with my mom about stuff I didn't know at the time. Finally they stopped talking. She told me, " You are in Room 8 with Ms.Adams."
She took my mom and I to Room 8, where Ms. Adams taught. When I walked in, everybody turned and looked at me. The lights were off in the small room. The only light came from the windows and the projector, that was filled with numbers. I noticed a few people that I knew from Warren Walker, but a lot of new faces. I was nervous. But who wouldn't be? Ms. Adams welcomed me and we went to morning meeting.I got to participate in their morning circle. They played this game called something like Ball Pass or Pass the ball. It was really fun. By the end of that hour, I knew almost everybodys name. I impressed myself. I was disappointed when we had to leave. My mom said," You will be coming to this school so no need to worry." "Phew," I said.
Looking back at it now, I think changing schools what was best for me. All the new people I got to meet, all of the new things I got to learn, and all of the nice teachers.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Rough Draft #2
Posted by Sam Vaux at 9:48 AM
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6 comments:
This is a great piece Sam. I really like your lead. In one or two places the letter i was not capitalized so just watch for that. Also, you wrote the word said a lot after someone talked. maybe delete a few of those. Great job!!!!!
Get rid of "nice". You repeated a sentence. Super lead! Watch your verb tense. It must agree. Start a new paragraph when someone else speaks. I think you could have added more sensory description to this. Where is your "hot spot?"
Strengths:
-dialog
-emotion
-detail
Content:
I loved what you did because i really got exactly what you were feeling every second of the memoir.
Style:
I liked how you didn't use the flashback tecnique. I think it would've been difficult to use it.
Tone:
I really was able to feel what mood everybody was in and the tone of the writing was very calm.
Sentence Structure:
You really used sentence length well. For example, the first sentence in your intro is really long, but the next two are shorter.
Applied Writing Strategies:
-dialog
-interior monologue
-gesture
One Thing I Would Be Proud Of:
-detail
One Thing I Might Work On:
-gramer or word choice
tone:you show the reader the emotions that you had going in to explorer.
content:I like the style like what Julia said when you didn't use the flash back technique.
style:It was little bit confusing in the content because I didn't understand what is the feeling and what you were saying.
Tone:Some part I felt some emotion and some part it felt like there was no emotion when you were speaking.
Sentence structure:I agree with Julia when she said about the sentence length.
One thing I would be proud of!
.Doing the memoir.
One thing I would work on
.check grammer
Tone:You show the reader the let them feel the emotions that you had going in to explorer.
Style:You describe the important parts of your story like, Jill green, the summer day, ms. Adams room.
Content:You get your point across fast and clearly.
Sentence structure:Your sentences have a good variety of length and content.
Writing Strategies:
-You write in chronological order.
-You use dialogue
-you use gesture
if i were you
i would be proud of the way i structured the writing.
i would focus more on being at explore and what it was like.
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